The IHOP Drop
The other day I decided to be Nice Mom. It wasn't easy to conjure up that half of my split personality, but after all, I had consumed vast amounts of coffee and slept in a little. At the time, we had just moved in and we didn't have much in the fridge for lunch. I announced to my little love muffins that I would take them to lunch, because I am so nice. And I love them. But mostly because of my niceness.
"Hooray! Yippee!" They celebrate happily, because they love food as much as I do.
We climb in the car and start driving without knowing where we will go. I realize that is kind of dumb, but we were REALLY hungry and that's just what we do. And so it begins, ever so benignly....
"So, where are we going to eat, Mom?" inquires eldest foodie.
And before I can stop myself, I just casually reply: "Oh, I don't know... what do you guys want?" As the words are leaving my lips I am mentally beating myself about the head and shoulders with a wet fish.
I am so SO STUPID. Never ask that of the prisoners when they are together. You must separate them ALWAYS for questioning.
Now they sense my weakness. They begin circling around.
"Planet Burrito." declares eldest. "Great," I think. "I like it."
"NOOO-OOOOO-OOO!" wails youngest, "There's nothing I like there!!!" Which is totally untrue.
"Oh come on!" butts in middle-est, never wanting to waste the opportunity to heap insult on the youngest.
In trying to regain some control, I ask: "Where do YOU want to eat, William?"
"Which Wich" he announces.
"Nice choice," I think. Really. I love those sandwiches.
"Are you kidding ME?" shouts Eldest Creep - and by the way, this is his favorite saying - oh yeah, I hear it at least one million times a day. "Those sandwiches are SO small, they're like appetizers."
"NOOOOOOOO they ARE NOT! And you love them." counters Youngest Creep. And he's right.
"Oh come on!" butts in Middle-est. "How about McAlister's Deli? I really want that chili in a bread bowl." Middle one offers.
And I'm thinking, "yummy!" to which the Eldest and Youngest Creeps now form an alliance and are yelling in unison,
"NO WAY!" Even though they both love the deli.
And so it goes, round and round, until I feel like my head is going to explode and I am going to give birth to an alien creature which will then proceed to eat all of us, one by one.
Then all of a sudden, the Eldest says, "Fine, let's go to IHOP." and the two youngers are suddenly ecstatic.
"YES!!! IHOP, IHOP, IHOP!" They are chanting like tribal warriors. Everybody has finally agreed on something. Peace treaties are signed. Diplomats shake hands. The world is once again a safe place.
And I'm , like , "GROSS! Are you kidding me? For lunch?"
I mean I am NOT a picky eater, trust me. In fact yesterday I bought (on purpose) brussel sprouts. And I even intend to cook AND consume them. Do you see what I mean? But IHOP for lunch? Not brunch, mind you, LUNCH! Well it is all well and good for them, because they plan on eating something along these lines:
And that's fine and Rooty Tooty for them, but I am actually TRYING not to turn into Roseanne Barr overnight and so I was hoping for a salad or at the very least some soup or a sandwich, but have you ever looked at the "light" offerings on the IHOP menu? You know the ones that have the little heart symbol next to them? Well, in all honesty, the heart symbol should be replaced with a little tiny picture of a terd, because that's how it tastes. Sorry.
But fine. I am going to rise above this madness, I decide. There are, after all, many people in Africa who are starving. And certainly by eating at IHOP, I will be giving them hope. or something.
So we go to IHOP. Our waitress, who smells so much of smoke, I am worried that she will spontaneously combust, takes our orders.
The 2 olders choose massive amounts of breakfast foods and William, after waffling between a hamburger and chicken fingers, FINALLY settles on a hamburger. (For cripes' sake we could have gone to the McDonalds drive through)
ME? I order the grilled chicken breast with broccoli and a side salad. Instead of feeling virtuous, I feel like I have just finished placing my first ever order at my new nursing home. I really need to start shopping for some polyester pants.
After taking our order, the waitress leaves and after about 5 minutes, William declares that he has changed his little tiny dictatorish mind and would like to have the chicken fingers, instead. Well, let me tell you, I am NOT the kind of mother who just puts up with that nonsense. You get what you order, kiddo. But I decide to ask the waitress, just in case she hasn't actually placed the order yet.
Me to Waitress: "Excuse me, would it be possible to change his order from the burger to chicken nuggets?"
Smoke Laden Waitress: "Sure hon. As long as they haven't dropped his burger yet." (waitress lingo for begun cooking it)
Me: "Of course. Either way, it's fine." And she glides off on her cloud of smoke to check.
Once she's out of earshot, William leans over the table and says, "Do I have to EAT the burger even though they dropped it?"
And I smile and think to myself, "Gee he really is 9 years old and not the ruler of a small country, after all."
Here is a recipe in honor of this day:
THE "NO DICTATOR WOULD DROP THIS BURGER" BURGER:
This recipe is from the Air Canada in-flight magazine in Novemeber 2006. It is an exercise in gilding the lily. Any two of wild mushrooms, cognac, stilton, foie gras, truffles, and fancy herby salad would be a good addition to a hamburger; all of the above is just plain ridiculous.
Serves 4
Ingredients
2 T butter
2 handfuls wild mushrooms (shiitake, morel, chanterelle), sliced into 1/4 inch strips
1 T fresh thyme, stemmed
1 1/2 oz cognac
3 oz foie gras, divided into 4 pieces
2 lb hamburger
4 oz Stilton, crumbled
4 buns
4 T mayonnaise
1 handful baby herb salad/chervil/arugula
1 truffle or 1 oz truffle oil
Melt butter. Sauté mushrooms and thyme for 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. Add cognac, warm for 5 s, then flambé. After flames burn out, remove and reserve.
In a separate pan, sear one side of one piece of foie gras for 5 s, then flip and sear the other side; remove and reserve; repeat for other pieces.
Season hamburger with salt and pepper. Divide into 4
z mounds, each with an indentation in the centre. Place a piece of foie gras in the centre, forming a patty around it.
Grill patties, crumbling stilton on each burger as it finishes.
Spread buns with mayonnaise on the bottom and greens on top. Add burger. Garnish with mushrooms. Shave truffle over burger or drizzle with truffle oil.
Serves 4
Ingredients
2 T butter
2 handfuls wild mushrooms (shiitake, morel, chanterelle), sliced into 1/4 inch strips
1 T fresh thyme, stemmed
1 1/2 oz cognac
3 oz foie gras, divided into 4 pieces
2 lb hamburger
4 oz Stilton, crumbled
4 buns
4 T mayonnaise
1 handful baby herb salad/chervil/arugula
1 truffle or 1 oz truffle oil
Melt butter. Sauté mushrooms and thyme for 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. Add cognac, warm for 5 s, then flambé. After flames burn out, remove and reserve.
In a separate pan, sear one side of one piece of foie gras for 5 s, then flip and sear the other side; remove and reserve; repeat for other pieces.
Season hamburger with salt and pepper. Divide into 4
z mounds, each with an indentation in the centre. Place a piece of foie gras in the centre, forming a patty around it.Grill patties, crumbling stilton on each burger as it finishes.
Spread buns with mayonnaise on the bottom and greens on top. Add burger. Garnish with mushrooms. Shave truffle over burger or drizzle with truffle oil.
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