Bobby Flay and the Robot Stalker
Today was a good Texas day. I both met a celebrity (and quite
possibly touched him inappropriately) and almost tricked a few folks
into thinking I was visited by said celebrity for a show. All of this
and time for a dip in the hot tub too! Life is good.
Alright, alright - here's the real deal...
Hi, my name is Anne, and I am addicted to the Food Network Channel
(also the HGTV channel, but we'll talk about that later). I love it
all. I so groove on the show where the cute Aussie dude surprises
women (always women) at the grocery store and goes home with them and
cooks for them. Okay - now writing that out - the concept kind of
creeps me out. But still. He is cute as hell...and he has an accent
for cripe's sake and he cooks and does it well I might add. Touchdown.
I love Iron Chef - where the 2 chefs are given a secret ingredient and
have to come up with 4-5 dishes that include said ingredient and then
the nasty panel passes judgement on every morsel while the chef twists
in the wind.
I really love Hell's Kitchen, Top Chef and America's Next Food Network Star (or whatever it's called) the point is,
I love the nail biting action, the temper tantrums, the food!...and anytime I'm feeling melancholy, I tivo up
a little Rachel Ray 30 Minute Meals. Yes, it's kind of corny and old fashioned-ish and it seems like she took over Mister Roger's kitchen...but that is precisely why I like it. She is predictable and perky. It's as if (like the other half of an old married couple) I can predict what will come out of her mouth next. All of the "EVOO"s and the "Yum-O"s and the talk of grill marks and making "sure the pan is waiting for you and not the other way around" and what not. It all comforts me like a good greasy meatloaf. And I like that she isn't rail thin, so I know she really
does eat the food she makes unlike that damn Everyday Italian chick -
Giada? Like hell she eats pasta every day. And I'm a recovering
anorexic.
Paula Deen makes me oh so happy. Anyone that can and does use a stick of
butter in every single dish and then laughs about it is right up my
alley. I don't want to do that, but I love that she does.
So I am going on and on but you get my point. I am a FOODIE. So,
naturally, when I saw in the local paper that Bobby Flay (of Throwdown
and Iron Chef fame) was going to be at our local William's & Sonoma
signing copies of his latest cookbook - I was drawn in as if he were
the MOTHER SHIP. You wouldn't know it from the photo - but I actually
spent some time prepping for the meet up. I mean, goodness alive, I
took a shower, brushed my teeth and even changed out of my bathing
suit and ratty shorts. Geesh, it was like I was going to get married
or something.
Not wanting to look too much like a stalker, I tricked persuaded my
youngest child to accompany me. That way, I could pretend that it was
really HE that wanted to go meet Bobby - and that I was mostly a
martyrish mother along for the ride.
So we arrived and the line was LONG. Longer than the line we waited
in at Disney to meet Mickey Mouse. Longer than the line to ride the
best ride in the park. I decided then and there that this must be the
most awesome thing I would ever EVER do. I could barely contain my
excitement and had trouble focusing on my son's questions and dealing
with his obvious boredom. I was frenetically trying to plan my course
of action. What would I say? HOW would I say it? Should I be
witty? Charming? Subtle? Or really display some intelligence.
Seeking a kindred spirit in this struggle for verbal perfection, I
leaned down and whispered to William, "Honey, what are you going to say to Mr. Flay when you
get up there?"
a little Rachel Ray 30 Minute Meals. Yes, it's kind of corny and old fashioned-ish and it seems like she took over Mister Roger's kitchen...but that is precisely why I like it. She is predictable and perky. It's as if (like the other half of an old married couple) I can predict what will come out of her mouth next. All of the "EVOO"s and the "Yum-O"s and the talk of grill marks and making "sure the pan is waiting for you and not the other way around" and what not. It all comforts me like a good greasy meatloaf. And I like that she isn't rail thin, so I know she really
does eat the food she makes unlike that damn Everyday Italian chick -
Giada? Like hell she eats pasta every day. And I'm a recovering
anorexic.
Paula Deen makes me oh so happy. Anyone that can and does use a stick of
butter in every single dish and then laughs about it is right up my
alley. I don't want to do that, but I love that she does.
So I am going on and on but you get my point. I am a FOODIE. So,
naturally, when I saw in the local paper that Bobby Flay (of Throwdown
and Iron Chef fame) was going to be at our local William's & Sonoma
signing copies of his latest cookbook - I was drawn in as if he were
the MOTHER SHIP. You wouldn't know it from the photo - but I actually
spent some time prepping for the meet up. I mean, goodness alive, I
took a shower, brushed my teeth and even changed out of my bathing
suit and ratty shorts. Geesh, it was like I was going to get married
or something.
Not wanting to look too much like a stalker, I tricked persuaded my
youngest child to accompany me. That way, I could pretend that it was
really HE that wanted to go meet Bobby - and that I was mostly a
martyrish mother along for the ride.
So we arrived and the line was LONG. Longer than the line we waited
in at Disney to meet Mickey Mouse. Longer than the line to ride the
best ride in the park. I decided then and there that this must be the
most awesome thing I would ever EVER do. I could barely contain my
excitement and had trouble focusing on my son's questions and dealing
with his obvious boredom. I was frenetically trying to plan my course
of action. What would I say? HOW would I say it? Should I be
witty? Charming? Subtle? Or really display some intelligence.
Seeking a kindred spirit in this struggle for verbal perfection, I
leaned down and whispered to William, "Honey, what are you going to say to Mr. Flay when you
get up there?"
To which he responded with a stony look on his face (and loudly, I might add),
"Hi. Sign the book. Goodbye." People in front of us turned and stared.
Why? Why in the name of heaven, do I
even try?
Ignoring said insolent child, I tossed around the question, "So, Bobby, which recipe is your favorite?" (maybe even tapping on the cookbook with a well manicured nail for effect) thus
engaging him in professional banter. Surely he would recognize my
talents in the kitchen just by the framing of the question,
accompanied, of course, by just the right look in my eye.
Runner Up Alternatives included:
"I positively ADORED what you did with the goat on the last episode of
Iron Chef " brilliant the way you paired it with a citrus reduction
and then steamed it to tender perfection.
Or
"I can't tell you how much it means to my son and I to have this
opportunity to meet such a wonderful chef. "(kind of brown nosy but
whatever..you try to think of something to say)
All told we stood in line for well over 2 hours. In the blazing hot Texas
sun.
"Uh huh" William replied, staring blankly ahead. Clearly still traumatized.
We didn't speak of it again for a long long time.
even try?
Ignoring said insolent child, I tossed around the question, "So, Bobby, which recipe is your favorite?" (maybe even tapping on the cookbook with a well manicured nail for effect) thus
engaging him in professional banter. Surely he would recognize my
talents in the kitchen just by the framing of the question,
accompanied, of course, by just the right look in my eye.
Runner Up Alternatives included:
"I positively ADORED what you did with the goat on the last episode of
Iron Chef " brilliant the way you paired it with a citrus reduction
and then steamed it to tender perfection.
Or
"I can't tell you how much it means to my son and I to have this
opportunity to meet such a wonderful chef. "(kind of brown nosy but
whatever..you try to think of something to say)
All told we stood in line for well over 2 hours. In the blazing hot Texas
sun.
Okay, we were in the shade and it was breezy, but that sounded better, don't you
think? Finally, oh praise God, FINALLY we were inching closer.
Nearing the end of the line we met one after the other of self
important Williams & Sonoma employees who each had a super duper important
job - such as putting a post-it note on the book with the correct
spelling of your name...or opening the flap to the correct signing
page...or calling their friend across the room on their walkie talkie
to say "We've got 2 books coming." It was all quite silly. Unfortunately I did not
think? Finally, oh praise God, FINALLY we were inching closer.
Nearing the end of the line we met one after the other of self
important Williams & Sonoma employees who each had a super duper important
job - such as putting a post-it note on the book with the correct
spelling of your name...or opening the flap to the correct signing
page...or calling their friend across the room on their walkie talkie
to say "We've got 2 books coming." It was all quite silly. Unfortunately I did not
realize that until much later.
At present, I was swept up in the wave of celebrity pandemonium. Not only was
I swept up in it, I was freaking surfing it. I felt like I was going
to meet a KING, the KING, God himself. We shuffled ever closer, me, clutching the cookbook
in my arms like a scared schoolgirl. My heart was racing, my head was
spinning. I tried to remember what it was I had decided to say to
him. My mind went completely and utterly blank. I felt like a robot
whose hard drive had been erased. Wasn't there a scene in one of the Star Wars movies
At present, I was swept up in the wave of celebrity pandemonium. Not only was
I swept up in it, I was freaking surfing it. I felt like I was going
to meet a KING, the KING, God himself. We shuffled ever closer, me, clutching the cookbook
in my arms like a scared schoolgirl. My heart was racing, my head was
spinning. I tried to remember what it was I had decided to say to
him. My mind went completely and utterly blank. I felt like a robot
whose hard drive had been erased. Wasn't there a scene in one of the Star Wars movies
where R2D2 was unplugged or something? That was me. Totally.
So, back to my story. The very important employee at the end of the wait, smiled at me
somewhat demonically, and purred, "It's your turn."
So, back to my story. The very important employee at the end of the wait, smiled at me
somewhat demonically, and purred, "It's your turn."
"Uh- huh" I countered, oh so cleverly.
William and I made our way over (possessing all of the energy and excitement it would seem, of garden
slugs) to the table where BOBBY FLAY himself, KING of the GRILL, was
sitting with his beautiful gold pen and his shock of wavy red hair.
He was sipping his Starbucks coffee very nonchalantly. He was self
possessed and frankly seemed a little bit bored. That was really all
that registered in my robot brain at that point. He brightened a bit
when he saw my little decoy (William, that is)...
Bobby to William: "Hi buddy, how are you today?"
And here it became apparent to me that William had lost his mind as
well..
William to Bobby: "Fine" in the most monotone voice you can imagine
and zero facial expression. Secretly, I had previously entertained hopes of William rising to the occassion and
sitting with his beautiful gold pen and his shock of wavy red hair.
He was sipping his Starbucks coffee very nonchalantly. He was self
possessed and frankly seemed a little bit bored. That was really all
that registered in my robot brain at that point. He brightened a bit
when he saw my little decoy (William, that is)...
Bobby to William: "Hi buddy, how are you today?"
And here it became apparent to me that William had lost his mind as
well..
William to Bobby: "Fine" in the most monotone voice you can imagine
and zero facial expression. Secretly, I had previously entertained hopes of William rising to the occassion and
demanding a throwdown with Bobby. In my mind's eye, I could see Bobby laughing loudly and the cast of onlookers covering their mouths with their hands - just so shocked at the cuteness of it all.
Back to reality...At that moment, I knew it was my turn to talk and try as I might to
reach back into the recesses of my brain and find the witty comment I
desperately needed to save the both of us from ourselves....still nothing.
Back to reality...At that moment, I knew it was my turn to talk and try as I might to
reach back into the recesses of my brain and find the witty comment I
desperately needed to save the both of us from ourselves....still nothing.
So I said, and I kid you not...
"You must be tired." And I said it in the most monotone voice you can
imagine and zero facial expression. That's it. That is all I could come up with. What the hell was
"You must be tired." And I said it in the most monotone voice you can
imagine and zero facial expression. That's it. That is all I could come up with. What the hell was
I doing?
I promise I don't even remember what he said in response to that
winner. I think I must have blacked out for a few seconds. Next
thing I remember, it was time to get our picture taken by a horsey
looking employee, who frankly seemed more interested in impressing Bobby
I promise I don't even remember what he said in response to that
winner. I think I must have blacked out for a few seconds. Next
thing I remember, it was time to get our picture taken by a horsey
looking employee, who frankly seemed more interested in impressing Bobby
than with taking a nice photograph. Bi-oche.
Bobby came over and stood very close to me but seemed to take care not
to physically touch any part of me. NOT ME. I have no idea why, but
I put my arm fully around his waist, much the way you would your husband - that is,
Bobby came over and stood very close to me but seemed to take care not
to physically touch any part of me. NOT ME. I have no idea why, but
I put my arm fully around his waist, much the way you would your husband - that is,
to suggest a certain intimacy between the two of you.
I may have even given a squeeze. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't
plan to do that. Halfway through the horror of it, I snapped out of
my trance and REALIZED I was doing it. I wanted to die. I wanted to
jump into that grill behind me in the photo - curl up into the fetal position and
suck my thumb. I just looked at Bobby and said, "Sorry" and
William and I practically tripped over ourselves as we ran out of the
store. We finally stopped when we got to the car.
"Well, that was fun" I said sheepishly.
plan to do that. Halfway through the horror of it, I snapped out of
my trance and REALIZED I was doing it. I wanted to die. I wanted to
jump into that grill behind me in the photo - curl up into the fetal position and
suck my thumb. I just looked at Bobby and said, "Sorry" and
William and I practically tripped over ourselves as we ran out of the
store. We finally stopped when we got to the car.
"Well, that was fun" I said sheepishly.
"Uh huh" William replied, staring blankly ahead. Clearly still traumatized.
.
I think we were both deep in denial.
I think we were both deep in denial.
We didn't speak of it again for a long long time.
Well at least not until we got to the Cheesecake Factory to drown our sorrows in what
else? Food.
else? Food.
Because, my friends, I am a foodie. By the way, I had the grilled fish tacos w/guacamole cream...YUM-O!
As your reward for reading, here is Bobby's recipe for Fish Tacos:
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| Tacos: 1 pound white flaky fish, such as mahi mahi or orata 1/4 cup canola oil 1 lime, juiced 1 tablespoons ancho chili powder 1 jalapeno, coarsely chopped 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro leaves 8 flour tortillas Garnish: Remove the fish from the marinade place onto a hot grill, flesh side down. Grill the fish for 4 minutes on the first side and then flip for 30 seconds and remove. Let rest for 5 minutes then flake the fish with a fork. Place the tortillas on the grill and grill for 20 seconds. Divide the fish among the tortillas and garnish with any or all of the garnishes. Pureed Tomato Salsa:2 tablespoon peanut oil 1 small red onion, coarsely chopped 4 cloves garlic, coarsely chopped 4 large ripe tomatoes, chopped 1 serrano chile 1 jalapeno, sliced 1 tablespoon chipotle hot sauce 1 tablespoon Mexican oregano 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro leaves Salt and pepperPreheat grill or use side burners of the grill. Heat oil in medium saucepan, add onions and garlic and cook until soft. Add tomatoes, serrano and jalapeno and cook until tomatoes are soft, about 15 to 20 minutes. Puree the mixture with a hand-held immersion blender until smooth and cook for an additional 10 to 15 minutes. Add the hot sauce, oregano, cilantro and lime juice and season with salt and pepper, to taste. Yield: 6 to 8 servings | |||||||
you must be tired!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
i swear i turned red while i read it.
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All this for Bobby Flay? Please don't go to any Emeril book signings...please. William couldn't take the stress.
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